Lost again in...wait where the hell am I?!

I swear I'm not a dumb blond who can't find her way to her own kitchen. I did manage to graduate Magna Cum Laude (I can't say that without thinking it means something kinky), and I must have some street credit if I haven't died abroad yet, right? In any event, there I was, lost in Europe--again.

Megan gets lost in Europe--Part deux.


Prague is a gorgeous and romantic city. The streets are paved with cobblestone, the architecture is tall and antique, a castle sits on top of the hill that overlooks the Vltava river, and the women are phenomenal. Did I mention the beer is superb, the nightlight goes off, and it's cheap? If you haven't been to Prague get up off your ass and go.

After finally making it to Prague after my last travel nightmare (see previous blog) I managed to somehow--gasp--also find mon meilleur ami Erik who met me there. And seriously I don't know how I found him because I couldn't contact him on the phone and when I showed up to where his hostel was supposed to be located, there was only a mysterious unmarked door. That's neither here nor there though. Anyway, I've been to Prague a dozen times and I do know the city is divided into sections. Par example: Praha 1, Praha 2, etc., and I mostly know my way around those two sections because Praha 1 is the center and Praha 2 is the swanky neighborhood where my dad lives. He suggested I stay at his rental apartment in Praha 3 though, so I could have my own place.

The first night there Erik and I had a delicious rabbit and dumpling dinner over at my dad's apartment in Praha 2. We decided we would wonder to a bar in the neighborhood for a drink and then head back to my apartment in Praha 3 after. Erik and I hadn't seen each other in a long time, so one drink turned into God knows how many--I lost count after five. All I know is we were drinking something called "Mind Erasers" that consisted of six different types of alcohols including Slivovitze which I'm pretty sure is roofie based, and the green fairy--Absinthe. To make a long story short we were laughing hysterically and without shame or manners making fun of random people--we were hammered. I can't be certain, but I believe it was around 3am when we decided to blow that popsicle joint. In Prague it's best to travel by tram or metro because it's a huge city, but the trams weren't running. Praha 3 couldn't be too far from Praha 2 right? So we walked, or more so bobbed and weaved our way towards my apartment.

We took our time--it was a gorgeous night and there were many sights to see--like the drunk guy passed out in his car on the tram tracks right in the middle of an intersection. We were well into our journey when I had to pee. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the public restroom situation in those parts--there are none. I searched and searched for a restroom until it became an unbearable urge to urinate--the kind when you start to get snappy and irritated. I would have peed behind a bush if I could have found one. We came across a Herna Bar, which is essentially a casino with flashy lights and slot machines. I was desperate, so Erik and I walked went in. We were greeted by a couple beautiful women wearing scantily clad attire and some roided out security guards dressed in suits. I asked for the WC and was pointed in the direction of a closed door that lead into a very long hallway. I passed by quite a few unmarked doors until I finally found the little girls room. When I came back out the security guards were closed in on Erik with a watchful eye. They encouraged us to stay, but made our escape.

We were back on the road again and I had a new hop in my step. As if the reset button had been hit, we were now focused on actually getting home. We approached a very shady looking park and knowing how bad the crime and theft is in Prague, we made the executive decision to go around. How big could the park possibly be? The detour didn't seem too bad. We became lost in conversation again, enjoying the smell of the cool breeze mixed with the occasional dog shit pile and musk. We finally stopped, realizing that the shady park we had avoided had landed us in Praha 4. We weren't quite sure where the fuck we were, but it was sobering. Dawns early light was starting to peak-a-boo, turning the sky into a beautiful sapphire color--approximate time was 5am.

Not only were we lost, but I was the dipshit wearing high heels in a town with cobblestone roads. It would be an understatement to say that my feet were hurting. I had developed blisters that were the size of walnuts on my feet. Erik being the gentleman offered to just hail us a cab. Me being the stubborn Capricorn insisted that we walk. He finally just picked me up and carried me. We wondered in the general direction we thought the flat was located and made it into Praha 3. Once we passed the guy puking his brains out on the corner we decided it was an urgency to get home. Somehow we ended up in Praha 2. How the shit did we pass it?! Even if we did hail a cab, we didn't know the address, how were we to tell the driver where it was? This was starting to turn into an epic fail and we were literally walking around in circles.

By the grace of God I somehow remembered the name of the street my apartment was located and we got a cab. We went three fucking blocks and he dropped us off right in front. Turns out that there was only one street that was Praha 2 and then it went back to Praha 3. We were one block away and turned around because we thought we missed it. ONE block away! The time was approximately 6am and my dad was picking us up soon, so we closed our eyes for a minute--finally home.

LATER THAT DAY...

We were on our way to my dad's cottage out in BFE. His idea of a good time is putting us to work on the cottage and making us do hard labor--we were happy to help to please the old man though. Not going to get into what happened at the cottage, but with the 10 snakes we saw and the damn pine marten that jumped out of the ceiling, it's a story all on its own. Anyway, we were telling my dad about our adventure the night before (a somewhat censored version at least) and I told him about our visit to the Herna Bar to use the restroom. He started laughing a little and said, "Oh my God you went into a Herna?! You know that is a whorehouse right? You should really avoid those places."

The look on our faces must have been priceless. No words had to be spoken. The immediate thought was that we had just merely escaped being sold into sex slavery. Attractive American girl and guy disappear in Prague never to be seen again. It was that moment in a movie when there is a flashback in time revealing all of the obvious signs.

*flash* hookers *flash* enormous bruts *flash* hallway lined with rooms *flash* smell of vagina *flash*

And thus went another one of my nine lives. My feet hurt for two days after that shit and my kooka clenched every time we passed by a Herna.